Lessons in Drowning While Fighting To Swim: A Reflection and Playlist

Have you ever just felt… off? Like completely outside of yourself to the point that you’re spiraling to find focus or control in any way? I’ve heard people talk about being in a temporary dissociative state for days or weeks, but I’ve personally felt it for about six months. I also can’t think of a time in which writing and/or music hasn’t saved me, whether consciously or not, so I figured what better way to work through drowning, while swimming than indulging in both?

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When Mac Miller whispered, “I’d do anything for a way out of my head…” on ‘Come Back to Earth’ I felt that. I’m in my head ALWAYS. I usually say, “that’s just me – I’m an over thinker” and in many ways it’s helped me as a creative because attention to detail means so much. On the opposite end, it’s hindered me from thriving before I even start in many ways because the anxiety of “what if I’m/it’s not good enough” is constantly looming through my mind.

Speaking of which, my depression and anxiety tend to manifest themselves in an… interesting way.

Generally high functioning.

Publicly outgoing.

Always “on.”

Yet privately fighting to keep my head above water.

About 50% of that is a byproduct of being a perfectionist, while the other 50% is simply not wanting to be a bother to those around me. However, lately I’ve been asking myself: how is worrying about either of these things serving me when internally, I’m suffering? Over the past few months, I haven’t felt like my best self in any capacity — physically, emotionally, professionally or otherwise — and the upkeep of pretending to is wearing on me even more. A few days ago, I had conversation with my mom in which she said, “depression is the heaviest thing that you can carry.”

And boy don’t I know it.

In terms of my weight loss journey, I’m currently up 15 pounds from my lowest weight of 190, I haven’t done things that I love (e.g. SoulCycle or cooking some ridiculously elaborate healthy recipe) in months and have struggled to figure out what brought me into this slump; better yet, how do I get out of it?

As I ponder that question, I’m working on actively pulling myself up, because with less than two months left in the year, I want to spend the next phase of my life pushing forward, which means not starting 2019 off dragging along old burdens that have only held me back.

Recently, I’ve started working out with a trainer, which is totally new for me (yet painfully necessary) and I plan to spend more time expressing honesty, both with myself and others, about how I’m feeling.       

Here’s to getting well soon.

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